....da goddamned decision :P..........

...still at the pt of writin this blog im not sure wat prompted me to make a weird decision like dis but i liked the whole idea of leaving one of my favourite pastimes...i donno how far i can succeed in dis but this is extremely fascinating.....i regard dis one as the greatest tests of my life n im sure it'll require every ounce of my will power or may be a bit more than wat i actually have to make dis one a worthy decision....in any case im determined not to loose dis time....

im not goin into da details of dis decision as i have no intention to get into dat really n i guess it really doesn't matter much....im jus writin dis coz i cannot contain myself wid dis and i need to put it somewer and also to hav a better picture of my feelings wen dis decision was taken.....also after the end of the stipulated time period i wish to note the changes dat would be brought about in me......

i have not discussed dis wid anyone of my friends or well wishers...coz i really dint feel the need to... some of the guys readin dis may even feel dat im jus givin dis one a bit more drama than wat was required but i really cant help it....i still dont think dat dis decision would make me feel better and less guilty abt da way things hav gone dese days..but then again i feel dat dis is certainly worth givin a try...n moreover it doesnt involve anyone directly or indirectly so i dont hav to get permits from anyone...so im free to do dis n if it succeeds in making me feel less guilty..dat would be the best thing to happen to me...n i sincerely hope for dat to happen....n if it doesnt work i dont think i hav much to loose given the benefits which ill get if dis succeeds......

....wen my friend told abt dis idea for the first time i burst out laughing and told him dat no sane man in dis world would do dis.....but now i feel dat may be he has a point to make and here iam....set out to explore if dis works....well i guess der wont be much loss incurred in dis one so i cant see many obstacles for dis and started right away....so in da coming days ill know if it is possible to get better of ur guilty conscience with such an easy task.....given the task im upto and the purpose of it...it may be called as an easy task.....

.......patronizing pain......

.....recently i happend to go through "YOU CAN WIN" by Shiv Khera.. im not abt to review it though i think im gud at it[:p]..but the revealations hav been distasteful after reading da buk...it seemed like there was a characterstic described abt me in each n every page.....i felt dat each n every line abt the negative behaviour is directed at me....suddenly thins which i hadnt understood over da past yrs started to make sense in a painful way...i had trouble digesting some of da facts but they r facts all da same n i'd rather learn them better late than neva....all these days i had some bitter excuses which i made for myself abt da way my life has been...but now it became obvious to me dat i had a complaining attitude all these days.....i thot dat i was free of any attitude but ironically im havin da same attitude which i detested da most....i donno how i developed it but it is witt me....n bein a gud actor(ya dats wat i call myself...) i was able to manage all thru my life...

.....many thins dat happened off late combined with the recent recognitions made me even more boring.....they seem to affect me everyday....my subconscious mind was tuned for all these and i started loosin track of myself....i became less interesting for my friends n my conversations with them often seemed monotonic and artificial...my acknowledgements are not bein genuine and they were able to see me through....my smile appeared oddly out of place.....n all these things were painfully...(painfully with a capital p)obvious to me making it more difficult for me.....i was spending most of the time alone though i dint lik dat particularly...n i was not enjoying or for dat regard i was not living.....i donno wat im doin...not a thing was fascinatin me....im finishing books in no time but cant kill the time.....my mornings were dull, afternoons monotonic,evenings lonely n my nights were painful and sleepless....i wasnt at ease talkin to my friends even gals to which i was obsessed once.....i dint like the sound of my voice it seemed hollow and distant n everything i did seemed incomplete....i wanted to die but cant dare doing it....n its a hell of a task to commit a suicide.....though i dont have great expectations of myself somehow i cudnt take away my life....so as i always said im living coz ive nuttin better to do.....