.......patronizing pain......

.....recently i happend to go through "YOU CAN WIN" by Shiv Khera.. im not abt to review it though i think im gud at it[:p]..but the revealations hav been distasteful after reading da buk...it seemed like there was a characterstic described abt me in each n every page.....i felt dat each n every line abt the negative behaviour is directed at me....suddenly thins which i hadnt understood over da past yrs started to make sense in a painful way...i had trouble digesting some of da facts but they r facts all da same n i'd rather learn them better late than neva....all these days i had some bitter excuses which i made for myself abt da way my life has been...but now it became obvious to me dat i had a complaining attitude all these days.....i thot dat i was free of any attitude but ironically im havin da same attitude which i detested da most....i donno how i developed it but it is witt me....n bein a gud actor(ya dats wat i call myself...) i was able to manage all thru my life...

.....many thins dat happened off late combined with the recent recognitions made me even more boring.....they seem to affect me everyday....my subconscious mind was tuned for all these and i started loosin track of myself....i became less interesting for my friends n my conversations with them often seemed monotonic and artificial...my acknowledgements are not bein genuine and they were able to see me through....my smile appeared oddly out of place.....n all these things were painfully...(painfully with a capital p)obvious to me making it more difficult for me.....i was spending most of the time alone though i dint lik dat particularly...n i was not enjoying or for dat regard i was not living.....i donno wat im doin...not a thing was fascinatin me....im finishing books in no time but cant kill the time.....my mornings were dull, afternoons monotonic,evenings lonely n my nights were painful and sleepless....i wasnt at ease talkin to my friends even gals to which i was obsessed once.....i dint like the sound of my voice it seemed hollow and distant n everything i did seemed incomplete....i wanted to die but cant dare doing it....n its a hell of a task to commit a suicide.....though i dont have great expectations of myself somehow i cudnt take away my life....so as i always said im living coz ive nuttin better to do.....